and so it begins…

or ends… haven’t quite decided yet.

While this is the first race of the season, I’m undecided as to whether it will be the last race of the season for me personally.

I know I should be over the moon excited about heading to the race this weekend, and I am… sort of…. but not in the way I usually am. In fact I am trying really hard to manufacture it… pump myself up. But every time I let myself actually think about it, I go back to just being really pissed off.

I alluded to it in earlier posts. I’m not exactly in a “happy” place where IndyCar is concerned, and my place in it’s realm. Had I not already paid for my trip earlier in the year, I would not be sitting in an airport lounge right now. It’s a long, woe is me story, which will likely elicit eye-rolls from many, and which I won’t get into right now, but suffice it to say I’m tired of being treated like the old gum stuck to the bottom of someone’s shoe by the people I considered colleagues and friends.

It comes down to this: I was good to have around when folks “needed” something but I’ve somehow become disposable otherwise. Kinda hard to get motivated to “work” all week, when it is completely unappreciated on so many levels.

The flip-side to the anger, is of course the sadness.

I am still so overwhelmingly sad, and truthfully I’m afraid of not being able to hold it together at the track. Now maybe it’s a case of the fear/anticipation of losing my shit trackside being worse than actually losing my shit that has me on the verge of tears at this very moment. Or maybe once I’m in the moment, and have reconciled with it in person, and perhaps just had a fucking good cry and gotten it out of my system, I’ll be ok. (as was the case in Long Beach 08) Perhaps that is what is truly dampening my “excitement” right now.

Not having Paul in a car is of course the cherry on top of the shit sundae.

Oh, and the sprinkles? The fact that Toronto hasn’t had a speck of snow in months, and this week the temps are the same in Toronto as in Florida. Good thing I paid thru the nose to “escape winter” bwhahaha! FML!

Anyway, I really don’t want to be Debbie Downer. Maybe I just needed to vomit these words out of my head before taking off to make way for the weekend. Maybe once I’m around my peeps (the ones that haven’t made me feel like shit) and get some race weekend hugs I’ll feel better. Hopefully the sweet song of those turbo engines will make my heavy heart soar.

I don’t know. I really don’t.

What I do know is this:

I will thoroughly enjoy the break from my real life for a few days. I will thoroughly enjoy catching up with my racing roomie Carol, who is flying over from England as we speak. I will thoroughly enjoy a few good meals at my fave St. Pete’s restos, my first sips of Fuzzy’s vodka, and a nightly walk to the Gelato shop on Beach Ave.

I will cheer on James, and Justin, and Alex and Will. Oh heck, I’ll cheer them all on. And I will do my best to honour Dan. I will try to “suck it up” buttercup, but I will apologize now for the tears that will most certainly stream down my cheeks several times this week, but especially on Sunday. (as they are right now)

and with that… It’s time to board


8 responses to “and so it begins…

  1. This is what What great writing is all about. Raw, emotional and honest. Very well done Meesh.

  2. I feel your pain Meesh.

    As someone who spent away my savings to cover the sport last season, (in hopes of making something better out of it, and then had three possible paying gigs all fall through in the off-season), I really feel for you.

    I’m not sure of the details you hint to–But I feel like I have had a similar deal. Some (not all) who are our colleagues at covering the sport can be shady. Some will shank someone in the back for a slight advantage on a story.

    As for where the series stands, it feels like bloggers are not even on their radar any longer. This series is starting to feel as if the people who gave them the most positive coverage during the worst of times, are now not welcome. Even though we paid out of our own pockets to help them.

    Hang in there Meesh, for those of us who couldn’t even afford to make it this year. 🙂

  3. Meesh,
    I completely understand. While I am just a part time blogger, I haven’t written a thing since Vegas. Oh, I’ve started to on several occasions, but, for some reason, the words just don’t flow into the continuous thought that makes a piece “work.”

    Part of my frustration is that for all the anticipation of the new car, we’re still, aside from the engines, a “spec” series. Maybe that has to be that way for a while, but for as long as I have followed the series (circa 1961), I can’t remember feeling such frustration at the events as they have fallen together.

    Probably because I am an “ovalista,” I couldn’t be much more disappointed in the lack of oval racing in this bellweather open wheel series in NorthAmerica. Instead of getting back to Michigan, we get Belle Isle. And then weve got people who want to throw away Texas, the only oval race besides Indy that can draw flies.

    As a small business owner, it’s been a tough year, too. I’ve had to dump inordinate amounts of personal money into my business to keep it afloat. I’ve had employees who don’t understand that the “boss” doesn’t have unlimited resources to pay them more money (when I can’t pay myself.)

    True I know that about the time Indy rolls along, I’ll be much more into the sprirt of it; but sadly, I’ve probably made my last trip to the 500. While the new and improved physical plant there is impressive, all the building that they did to accomodate “Sir Bernie the Whimsical” has ruined the sight lines from all but the penthouse seats. And, the physical that age and arthritis have imposed on my wife make all the “trekking” about well, NOT a good idea. She can say that she “saw” a good one, last year, but we really couldn’t “see” much of what transpired until we watched the replay in our hotel room later that night.

    And then, there’s the way it all ended last year. For the time that the Vegas race lasted, it was almost too good to be true, edge of your seat racing all around the track. The end, however, made me very glad that we didn’t take IICS up on their offer for free tix and go to Vegas, which we HAD considered.

    But as one who reads your blog semi-religiously, I look forward to your R-rated take on the sport we love, F-bombs and all. Keep your chin up and keep those of us who enjoy your blog updated.

    W. H. “Skip” Free

  4. I hope you shake the blues soon and feel happy about life and your place in it. If that means you say good-bye to racing and providing your unique thoughts on the sport, then you will be sorely missed.

  5. Meesh: Whatever else may happen, at least enjoy being trackside.

  6. If you haven’t watched, then go to and watch episode 57 of
    “The Flying Lap”. All will be explained

  7. Pingback: More from thee Tomaso Blotter – Have You hugged a Blogger recently? : The Steven Malman Cars Blog

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