or ends… haven’t quite decided yet.
While this is the first race of the season, I’m undecided as to whether it will be the last race of the season for me personally.
I know I should be over the moon excited about heading to the race this weekend, and I am… sort of…. but not in the way I usually am. In fact I am trying really hard to manufacture it… pump myself up. But every time I let myself actually think about it, I go back to just being really pissed off.
I alluded to it in earlier posts. I’m not exactly in a “happy” place where IndyCar is concerned, and my place in it’s realm. Had I not already paid for my trip earlier in the year, I would not be sitting in an airport lounge right now. It’s a long, woe is me story, which will likely elicit eye-rolls from many, and which I won’t get into right now, but suffice it to say I’m tired of being treated like the old gum stuck to the bottom of someone’s shoe by the people I considered colleagues and friends.
It comes down to this: I was good to have around when folks “needed” something but I’ve somehow become disposable otherwise. Kinda hard to get motivated to “work” all week, when it is completely unappreciated on so many levels.
The flip-side to the anger, is of course the sadness.
I am still so overwhelmingly sad, and truthfully I’m afraid of not being able to hold it together at the track. Now maybe it’s a case of the fear/anticipation of losing my shit trackside being worse than actually losing my shit that has me on the verge of tears at this very moment. Or maybe once I’m in the moment, and have reconciled with it in person, and perhaps just had a fucking good cry and gotten it out of my system, I’ll be ok. (as was the case in Long Beach 08) Perhaps that is what is truly dampening my “excitement” right now.
Not having Paul in a car is of course the cherry on top of the shit sundae.
Oh, and the sprinkles? The fact that Toronto hasn’t had a speck of snow in months, and this week the temps are the same in Toronto as in Florida. Good thing I paid thru the nose to “escape winter” bwhahaha! FML!
Anyway, I really don’t want to be Debbie Downer. Maybe I just needed to vomit these words out of my head before taking off to make way for the weekend. Maybe once I’m around my peeps (the ones that haven’t made me feel like shit) and get some race weekend hugs I’ll feel better. Hopefully the sweet song of those turbo engines will make my heavy heart soar.
I don’t know. I really don’t.
What I do know is this:
I will thoroughly enjoy the break from my real life for a few days. I will thoroughly enjoy catching up with my racing roomie Carol, who is flying over from England as we speak. I will thoroughly enjoy a few good meals at my fave St. Pete’s restos, my first sips of Fuzzy’s vodka, and a nightly walk to the Gelato shop on Beach Ave.
I will cheer on James, and Justin, and Alex and Will. Oh heck, I’ll cheer them all on. And I will do my best to honour Dan. I will try to “suck it up” buttercup, but I will apologize now for the tears that will most certainly stream down my cheeks several times this week, but especially on Sunday. (as they are right now)
and with that… It’s time to board